Okay so I have not posted in a while! Me and the girls DID go to California and were there for 3 1/2 weeks! We went to Disneyland twice and let me just say that it truly is the happiest place on earth! I'll explain more later. Most of our vacation was fabulous. Most of it was sunny and warm. But there was a downside.
As many of you know I have been dealing with depression and anxiety. I was hoping that when I went to California that I would be able to take a vacation from those feelings as well. Much to my dismay the feelings came with me and were just as strong most of the time. EXCEPT on the two days we were at Disneyland. On those days I had NO anxiety or depression issues at all! Part of that is due to leaving Jetta with a babysitter both days. She would have loved parts of the day but she would have been a pill once she got tired. It was SO refreshing to feel so alive again for those two days. The girls and I had a blast and enjoyed every minute we were there!
Due to discovering I could not run away from the depression and anxiety made my decision to get some help when I got home even more strong. I had an appointment with the family doctor the very next day that we got home. I knew all he would be able to do is give me an anti-depressant medication but I have heard that they could work wonders so I thought to give it a try. I am on some sort of medicine called Celexa. No idea if that is its spelling sorry. The second week I was on it I hit this amazing euphoric stage. I felt alive again! I loved spending time with my children and was thrilled with where I was at in life and even went so far as to tell Thom that we could totally have three more children! The third week I hit a low. It was a testament that even with medication I will have bad days. The doctor warned me it was not a magic pill. I think the second week it was just such a new refreshing feeling to feel alive again that I created a magic portion to the pill. But the third week brought me back to reality as I felt blah again for a couple of days. By the time I went for my follow up appointment a full month after starting the medicine I was content with my improvement for the most part. The medicine did NOT help with my anxiety but it definitely helped with my depression. For those of you blessed to not have to deal with depression I will try to explain how one feels when suffering with it. There is emptiness. You know you should be happy at least a little bit but the happiness is not there. There is just this dark emptiness inside. Your children are adorable yes but you can't dwell on that real long before the darkness over takes any possible positive feeling. You want to be alone. You don't feel capable to do much of anything especially anything that would be considered as making progess. You are beyond overwhelmed with life and wish you could escape it all. I think mothers who can just up and leave their children one day deal with dark depression. Depression takes all joy out of your life. It's incredibly debilitating.
9 comments:
Wow, Jamie! I wasn't aware of that. That sounds absolutely awful. I admire you for being willing to be open and vulnerable about it and also putting yourself out there to be helped and supported. That is so huge. I'm glad you've found something to at least help a little. Hope you are able to find the rest of the pieces you need to feel whole again. I wish your sweet little family the best.
Don't decide to get pregnant on one of those rare good days!!! You need a break and should wait until you have more consistent good days than bad days. I worry about you. Why can't we all just go live at Disneyland?
I'm glad you were able to get some help. I've been on medicine for years now. I haven't had to deal with the depression, but the anxiety was killing me. I still have days that I get anxiety, but I am so much more able to deal with what is going on. The best thing about it is, I know it will not last forever. Before I was on medicine, whenever I had anxiety attacks I would go crazy. Now I know it will pass.
So glad to hear of the improvement! I'm thinking that I should move in the same direction as you, of late...But so happy you're doing better. :)
Very well said!! I'm glad you've found something that is helping.
Hang in there Jamie! We know all too well how depression can affect oneself and their family as Paul has dealt with it for most of our married life and we will be married 12 years this summer!! Things can get better though. Sometimes it takes trial and error to find what works and there are still bad days, but there are many more good days than bad now. Please let us know if you need to talk or if we can help.
So glad you're feeling better for the most part! There are A LOT of different medications out there, so if one doesn't seem to be working the way you'd like, don't ever be afraid to discuss those concerns with your doctor and then try something new!
Enjoy those girls!
I agree with Renae--try something else if this one isn't quite doing the trick. I'm sure you could find something that worked well with your body.
I love you for being so open and strong! Call or text me any time--don't be afraid that it's a bad time. If it is, I won't answer. :)
You are not alone! I have been on Effexor for a little over 2 years. It has helped me tremendously! I call it my normal pill. It brings me up a few levels so that I can respond "normally" to situations. I am glad that you were willing to admit that you were having a tough time and looked for help! :)
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