30 days of happiness in retrospect

Ugh...right now I am living life waiting for my golden ticket...which for me is just not feeling so sick all the time! I am so frustrated and so miserable right now. I'm trying to be patient but I am not succeeding much lately. I am 13 weeks prego today. I've now been sick for 7.5 weeks...please please please end soon. I don't know if me or my family can take anymore of this. We are miserable!

Before I got sick we had a month of magic around here. The trick? Getting rid of that darn shiny box that shows color pictures that mesmerize all. The darn Television is such a crutch to me....way to much so. So I asked Thom to take it down for a bit. I can't just have it not on or unplugged....that requires too much self restraint. I needed it gone so that we could try life without it.

Oh man what a difference it made! Having it gone enabled me to fill in TONS of missing pieces in my life and my families. Instead of rushing kids off to bed so I could sit glued to the box of nothingness at night I read books with them, played with them, loved them more! Once they were in bed Thomas and I went down to our usual spot on the couch but instead of just being physically near one another we talked to each other! We hade great conversations and helped one another out. We went to bed earlier. I read my scriptures every night since I wasn't going to bed so darn exhausted. My children played better together and were happier. We have grumpy TV syndrome here where if they watch too much you can so tell because they are just grumpy! I played with them more. We got chores done everyday and the house was in much better condition. We hung out as a family in the evening outside counting dragonflies. Everything I thought I could do better at I did do better at.

I am addicted to that dumb box. When I want to relax I go to it. I watch hours of nothingness hoping that something wonderful will happen in my life while I do. I am then consistently dissapointed that I dont' feel better when I am done I often feel worse.

But then I got pregnant sick. I am tired. I am grumpy. I am barely hanging on to life. We are all alive but that is about it. So I had Thom put the dumb box back up so that it could help entertaing me and kiddos while I feel like death day in and day out. I got Zophran prescribed by the doc to help out. Why is it that heavy duty medicines often have NO effect on me? It does NOTHING for me at all. Nor does oxicotten (however in the world that is spelled). No I'm not taking that now just saying its a strong drug that does nothing for me. I am so scared that this pregnancy will have me be sick the whole time. I have no idea how I would survive that!

I want the TV gone again but I just don't have the strength to do it right now. But I remember a time when it was gone and life was SO much better. I want that back so desperately and I know the TV needs to be gone for things to improve like they did before. Like I said I am no good at just saying 'no' when it's plugged in. It's like an alcholic being able to say 'no' when there is beer in the fridge. It's just easier when its NOT there to be tempting. Well I'm going to throw up now...oh the joys...and try to not cry to much about it. I am way to whiny right now!