Okay i'm back I think!

Yes my last post was a gazillion years ago I know! I have yet to post pictures of birthdays, haircuts, reunions, and all other aspects of life! Admittedly after the last post I was just busy enjoying life! That darn anti-depressant worked such wonders on my life! I went from wanting to run away from happy happy people and all things that gave me council to do and be better to being one of those darn happy happy people who craved learning all I could about how I can do and be better! I served others more. I wanted to help the world and tried here and there to make a difference. I was in SUCH a good place that yes Jenny called it...I decided to get pregnant again! There were several big deciding factors in this decision. The largest one being that I was in the best place mentally I had been since we moved to Utah and I knew that pregnancy would break me down from this. Anti-depressants aren't hugely favored during pregnancy especially in my mind so I knew I'd have to get off them while pregnant. I want so badly to be in that good place forever and so I figured that if I just had this last baby (I had been planning on #4 being the final addition and now that I am pregnant that is more prevalant than ever!) then I could survive the year of being low again but then after that I could get to my good place and be there forever!

I have been pregnant 6 times in the last 6 years. I broke both my wrists during that time. We have made some major moves and life changing decisions. These last 6 years can mostly be summed up in one word : SURVIVED . There were moments that I felt like I was living but for the most part I just feel like I sort of endured and somehow survived. I am SO looking forward to the future after this bambino is born! I can really start living for the rest of my life! No life will not be 'perfect' and there will be curve balls but I am hoping that those curve balls do not make me feel so crappy phyisically and emotionally like depression and pregnancy do!

I am almost 12 weeks pregnant. I am so super sick. I am the VERY WORST version of myself right now and I just plane hate it! I am mean to my kids. I am whiny to the hubbi. I want to destroy all pets. The house is a disaster. I cry at any given moment and puke at the next. I am miserable and so are my children. My poor hubbi is trying to pick up the pieces where he can but really he is so busy on his own its hard for him to fill in all the gaps that are left. I am completely off the anti-depressant now and the darkness has returned. The joy in living is 95% gone. I am just surviving. Now don't worry I am not nor have ever been suicidal. But I do hope for and look forward to the sunny days that I KNOW will come back in the future. I am hoping the second trimester is sick free like that of my other pregnancies and so some sun can come back into our life. But the greatest sunshine will be my brand new baby (i'm banking on boy :) and anti-depressants happily working within! My doctor said that they were not magic pills but for me they were magic.

I hope to be back up and running in this blogging world but it may wait for a couple weeks until HOPEFULLY the sickness dissipates. Seriously...feeling like I could throw up at any second for WEEKS on end is really getting old!